Yo, yo, dawg. Today’s a huge day. CIVIL WAR TIME, BRO! It’s time we showed those South Siders with their “we drive to games so we can’t get wasted” and their “we primarily view baseball as family entertainment” attitudes a thing or two about this game. And about life.
First of all, Sux fans, learn not to look like idiots. Would you go clubbin’ looking like this, cuz that’s what you’re doing when you go to a baseball game, just it’s outside and it’s during the day. That’s why The Wrig plays The Black Eyed Peas—this ain’t no picnic in the burbs, brah, this is a legit partaaaaaay!
Now, look at this. Is this Sox fan gonna get some awesome bro to buy her nine beers, take her barhopping after the game, and drag her back to his apartment on Newport? Psh, I doubt it! She might as well sit there and keep score, cuz the only action she’s gonna see is on the field! In contrast, look at this hot Cubs bitch. She had the common courtesy to be all fine and shit so me and my brahs had something to look at during the game. I mean, half the fun of going to a Cubs game is checking out chicks! The other half is about drinkin’ brews with your buds. And the remaining half is about the baseball. C’mon, grow up, Sox fans!
Second, it’s gotta be so BORING to be a Sox fan. I don’t remember them ever winning the World Series, at least not in the past four years since I started paying attention to shit like that, so their baseball playing sucks. And who goes to hang out in USCellularville after the games? They don’t have my FAVORITE bar, John Barleycorn. They don’t have any of my FAVORITE bars at all! All they got is parking lots. And maybe that’s better for them, cuz who wants to ruin a sweet bar with a bunch of trashy dudes with stuff shaved in their hair and chicks that look like they play for the other team, if you know what I mean.
So, Sox fans, get your shit together and be just like us: AWESOME. We don’t want a nasty fight like this to break out again. Buy us all a Bubble Bomb and quit being so lame, and maybe we’ll look the other way on all your lameness. That’s all we ask.
What up, Teddy Broosevelt? OMG, did ya see the game last night? My life-long fave hockey team (the Blackhawks) won the Stanley Cup! Wooooooooo!!! Duh duh duh, duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh! Duh duh duh, duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh!
I scoped out the game with some brahs and bitches in the beer garden at my FAVORITE bar, Goose Island. It was really confusing cuz bugs kept landing on the screen and they looked like the puck…and cuz I pounded four pitchers of Cubby Blueberry, the only beer named after the CUBS!!! But I figured out that the Hawks won cuz they gave them the Stanley Cup, which is sweet cuz it looks like it could hold an assload of Jager!
After the game it was time to partay! So we went to my FAVORITE bar…CLARK STREET!!! It was bitchin’, dude. People were just carrying around bottles of Jack and cases of Bud heavies. Dawg, if I could always drink in the street, I’d probably just live there! And it wasn’t just drinking, either. People were bro surfing!
And then to make it more interesting, we all agreed that for awhile, only Patrick Kanes would bro surf.
And then we climbed on lampposts and bikes, cuz dude, it’s fuckin’ awesome to get wasted and to climb on things! YEE-HAW!!!
Things were starting to get a little dicey cuz we got tired of climbing on stuff. We were trying to decide which is more kickass, turning over cars or setting sweet stuff on fire, when the King of Blackhawks Wrigleyville himself, the Ronnie Woo Woo of Hockey—The Balloon King—emerged from his throne at the back of my FAVORITE bar, Bar Louie, to keep the peace.
We were like, “Balloon King, brah, that crown is sweet! What should we do to celebrate?” And he was like, “dudes, to quote Ted Theodore Logan, ‘be excellent to each other.’” And we were like, “yeah! Duh duh duh, duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh! Duh duh duh, duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh!” and we didn’t break any shit, but instead chanted DEE-TROIT SUCKS! and hoisted the Cup up and down the street.
But the highlight of the night was when I got to my FAVORITE bar, Wrigley Field, and saw the sign outside. Did you know that the Cubs were the Stanley Cup champions too?!?!? Sweet! The Hawks and the Cubbies both in one night!!!!
Man, it’s gonna be kickass if the Cubs can win the World Series and the Stanley Cup in the same year! I can’t wait for October!!!!!!!!!
What up, brah? Yo, I know it’s been a while, dude. Did ya miss me?? LOL! You know, I’ve been away experiencing all sorts of cool shit. Did you know people had fun outside of Wrigleyville? Neither did I! But I found an AWESOME party that every Cubs fan should check out—the Indy 500!
So we went down to Indianapolis, which I had never even heard of cuz they don’t have a baseball team, but it’s sweet, y’all, cuz they root for the Cubbies! We went to my FAVORITE cornfield bar, Scotty’s Brewhouse, to watch the Hawks game on Saturday night, and all the waitresses had on sweetass Cubs shirts! Yeahhhhh! Plus, they were all giant Hawks fans like me and sang doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo every time the Hawks scored! Which was a lot!!!!!!!!
Sunday was race day, yo. It kicked so much ass—this place knows how to take care of its fans. You can take in coolers full of your own booze and sit in the grass for only 20 bucks! I sat down in the grass with 2 styrofoam coolers of Bud Light Lime pounders, the perfect Memorial Day weekend treat. What better honors our fallen soldiers than pouring a little BLL on the curb and pounding that sweet lime brew until your head spins? This dude I met TOTES agrees!
It got even awesomer when the race started, dawg. I don’t know shit about car racing, but it’s just like baseball except louder and faster, and they’re in cars. So pretty much the same, right? And sometimes you see sweeeeet stuff like cars flying through the air, which is scarier than when they hit my man Alfonso “The Chosen One” Soriano a pop fly!
But just like sitting in the bleachers, it’s not all about the sports, it’s about the comroderee (comradery? comroderey? I dunno). We could all enjoy drinking brews together and watching this kickass dude, who was like the mayor of the track, do his thing.
Man, that dude could drink! And even when we had our differences, we were able to set them aside and focus on what was important: partying our asses off. This mofo’s a Cardinals fan, so normally I’d try to rip his face off and shit down his neck cuz we hate them for some reason, but at Indy, we could just kick back, yell at some hot chicks to show us their tits, drink some brewskies, and celebrate what we have in common: awesomeness!
CUBBIES FANS IN THE HOUSE!!! What up, bros? Dudes, I went to the AWESOMEIST Cubs game last night. The kickassness started before we even went into the Wrig — after four Old Style pounders at my FAVORITE elegant and upscale bar, Rockit, we were headed to the park when, of all the people we could run into, we saw The Duke of Wrigleyville himself — RONNIE WOO WOO!!!
We were all like, “Mr. Woo?” and he was like “WOO!” and I was like, “Mr. Woo, can I get a pic, brah?” and he was like “WOO!” and I was like “sweet, dude” and he was like “WOO!” and we took a kickass pic, yo. Check out that sweet-ass glove!!!
Bitchin’, right? I know! So we went in and sat in our seats right as Sandra Day O’Connor was throwing out the first pitch. I said to my girlfriend, “OMG, we sat in our seats right as Sandra Day O’Connor was throwing out the first pitch!” She asked, “who is Sandra Day O’Connor?” and I was like, “you idiot! She was the first lady astronaut!”
Then the game started. I guess it was fun. The Cubbies were getting a lot of hits and shit. I think they were playing the Rockies, who I figure are probably from Philadelphia?? I got a little bored, though, cuz the beer guy wasn’t comin’ around too much. I wonder where Mr. Woo ever made it to. Oh, there he is! WOO!
The next few innings were kinda a blur cuz the beer dude ended up showing up after all. I did some math cuz I’m smart like that: (beer x 12) + me = 1 duh-ruuuuuuunk Cubbies fan. Me. WOO! Me. WOO! Me. WOO! Me. WOO!
Things heated up in the 7th though. It was time to do Take Me Out To The Ballgame, and I hoped Sandra Day O’Connor would sing, but it was an even hotter babe, brah — Lindsey Vonn!!! Dude, she looked so fine. I would so totes buy her a Jager shot.
This is what she looked like from my seat, but if you zoom in real close, she looked more like THIS. Sweet!
Anyways, baseball. Eighth inning, Cubbies have two runners on base, Marlon “Steve” Byrd at the plate, I yelled, “STEEEEEEEEEEEEVE,” the pitch, the ball in play, and … GOAL BLACKHAWKS!!! DOO DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO! DOO DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO! Shit, yo, I gotta get to the bar, my FAVORITE bar John Barleycorn, for hockey. I’m the biggest Hawks fan in the world this playoffs season! Catch ya later, dawgs! GO HAWKS!!!
Heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy dawg. How’s it hangin’? Dude, I had a HELL of an adventure yesterday. After the game, I had a few too many Irish car bombs at my FAVORITE bar, Johnny O’Hagan’s, and I took a wrong turn and found myself outside of Wrigleyville. Now, I try never to leave The Ville. Seriously, yo. My whole world is between Grace and School, and I felt like I was wandering through a scary jungle at the edge of the world.
I found myself a few blocks south at a place called Kirkwood. I was worried being this far south. Is this Sox fan territory?? I’ve heard scary shit about the south side, dude. I hid all my money in my sock and went in to check the joint out. The dude at the door was like, “Sup?” and I was like, “Sup?” I’m glad that “Sup?” is the same in every language, part of the international code of dudeness. Sweet. I went to the bar and yelled very slowly, “DO. YOU. SERVE. BEER. HERE. BRO?” And he was all like, “yeah, dude. Lemme get you a brew.” Kick ass! They speak English down here! He gave me some exotic shit I never had before by the Wrig. It was something called a “Vortex bottle” by a company called Miller. OMG, yo, it was sooooooo different from Old Style or Bud! It must be made in these parts down south, right? Dawg, I’m gettin’ multicultural and shit! Kirkwood just became my FAVORITE bar!!
This got my confidence up, so I went off to find some new FAVORITE bars. I went to this SWEET joint called Mad River, where the DJ played awesome tunes like The Thong Song and I explained to the locals that to the north there was an awesome town called Wrigleyville that had its own kick-ass baseball team called the Cubbies. Holy shit, these dudes have heard of it! Dawg, it’s amazing how easily and freely bros can travel around the world these days! I bought some “Vortex bottles” for my new bros and babes and felt good about being an ambassador to the south.
The night just got awesomer from there, homie. A bunch of the South Siders took me to their FAVORITE joint, Uncle Fatty’s. It’s not even a bar…it’s a rum resort! HIGH FIVE!!! I taught them all my favorite games from Wrigleyville, like flip cup and cornhole, and they shared their favorite banana and coconut rums with me. Did you know there are delicious drinks that don’t even come in bomb form?? Me neither! I felt like an exchange student in a crazy new country, just like Long Duck Dong!
At the end of the night, it was time to say “see ya later, bros,” and I drunkenly stumbled back to my hood. Even though the Wrig is still the greatest neighborhood in the world, I can now say that there are cool brahs and bitches all over this wide world. I think I grew a little bit yesterday. HIGH FIVE!!!
Wussup, my bitches? Sigh, you know, I’ve been putting this off for awhile now, but Jeff Sumarja’s gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m gonna have to quit wearing my green Samargia shirt at every game I go to, yo. The hard shit is comin’ up with something AWESOME that’s just as good.
First I thought about getting an authentic jersey, but that shit’s EXPENSIVE, brah - it cuts into my Jager budget, and you never want the bitches to see you without money! So I tried going to a secondhand store, but I never heard of these guys. Pie? Patterson? Wood? Prior? Dude, whaddaya think I am, some kinda Cubbies historian?
Then I had the sweet idea of having my own jersey made. I thought of some bitchin’ names: BACARDI, #151. SEAGRAM’S, #7. LADIESLUVIT, #69. DUI, #.09. My bro suggested AUTHENTICALLYKRAUESENED, #6pk, but that’s pretty long, dude. Fuck, this is too stressful. I needs a t-shirt.
I looked for a Cubs Ed Hardy t-shirt, and I found some SWEET-ASS shit, like this, but nothing in Cubbies blue. I’m getting this anyway, though, bro. I’ll never have to stand in line at my FAVORITE bar, Casey Moran’s, if I’m stylin’ like this!!!
So I went to Strange Cargo, the t-shirt shop just down the street from my FAVORITE bar, Blarney Stone, and found two winners. This one’s got my favorite announcer dude: Ronnie Santo. It’s such an accurate picture, brah - they even remembered not to give him any legs! RON SANTO TO THE HALL OF FAME AND THIS T-SHIRT TO MY CLOSET!
The other one I like has a picture of LOU! on it and it says LOU! It’s awesome cuz it’s a v-neck, so you can see how tan my chest is when we’re in the bleachers, and it’s got kick-ass sleeve stripes so I can show off my gunzz at the gym. Plus I shrunk it a size too small so you can check out my awesome lats! Dude, when I GTL it, I do it right. Dawgs, I still miss my boy Simarjja, but I feel a little bit better now. Let’s party! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
What up, Bro DiMaggio?? I gotta tell you, dude, the Friendly Confines is a chick magnet! It’s like the ultimate wingman for a Cubbies fan - it brings in the babes, gets ‘em DRUNK, and hands them off to dudes to take home at the end of the night. HIGH FIVE!
I met the finest chick last night, bro. I walked up to this hot bitch in the bleachers and I was like “sup?” She was like “heyyyyyy.” I was like “what’s your name, doll?” and she was like “Lorelei” and I was like “can I call you Cubs Girl cuz I’ll forget that?” and she was like “cool.” She had on a smokin’ hot Cubs jersey, all tight and unbuttoned halfway, with a short skirt and four inch heels. She had her sleeves rolled up to get a tan, but since it was a night game, she brought her own self tanner. So well prepared, yo! I LOVE A TAN CUBS GIRL!
I bought her a beer and she pounded it (hot!). Then she pounded five more (sexy!!) and we left early to go to my FAVORITE bar, Bernie’s. Then she matched me Bubble Bomb for Bubble Bomb (love!!!). Dudes, I’m too big a gentleman to tell you what I did with Cubs Girl next…but I wrote a poem about it. SCORE!
We met in the bleachers at Wrigley.
Her hooters appeared to be bigly.
She drank lotsa hooch,
Then showed me her cooch,
And I went down under like Quigley.
Wussup, bitches?? Yo, I had the AWESOMEIST day yesterday. I love holidays!!! It was Cinco de Mayo, which means Five of May in Mexican. It’s the day when Chicago Mexicans celebrate the founding of the Cubs on May 5, 1904.
I put on my best Carlos Zambrano jersey and set off to go to cinco of my FAVORITE bars. First stop: my FAVORITE bar, Redmonds(!!!) I love this place cuz they have so many shots. We sang that song that goes SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! I don’t know what it’s called, but it might be called SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! So I had some shots. Yeah, bro! Redmonds(!!!) kicks so much ass.
Next, I went to my FAVORITE bar, Casey Moran’s. It kicked ass cuz, as you know, I’m Chirish, and Casey Moran’s caters largely to my people. But one of the sweet things about the city of Wrigleyville is it’s a melting pot, so the Chirish and the Mexicans (like this lady with the maracas) and everyone else can come together to drink tequila and lime jello shots!
I was in a sporting mood, so I went to my FAVORITE bar, Sluggers World Class Sports Bar, and watched some of the Cubs game with my bros. It was great. I think they were playing the Pirates or something. We played a drinking game where every time a Cub came to bat, we had to pound a shot of Cuervo. It was crazy. Sometimes it seemed like no Cubs were coming up to bat, but then sometimes it seemed like a bunch of Cubs in a row batted! Duuuuuuuude, I’m so drunk!
I needed to sober up a little bit after all that, so we went to my FAVORITE bar, a classy little place I like to call John Barleycorn. We sipped Pinot Grigio and snacked on finger sandwiches while we discussed the new Sex and the City Movie. Ha ha, man, HELL NAW, you know we didn’t! Instead we had a delicious beer tasting and debated which is better, Miller Chill or Bud Light Lime. I said BLL cuz I’m a Cubs fan Bud man, but it’s all good!
We saved the best for last, yo! We went to my FAVORITE bar, Dos Gringos Trailer Park! Don’t let the name fool you, brah, this joint is classay! The Cuervo girls were there giving out shotskis of tequila and margaritas. They had a quiz for me: name 3 kinds of Cuervo. I could only name 2, which were delicious and kickass. They said close enough and gave me a sweet Cuervo visor! SWEET! I can’t wait to show it off in the bleachers, baby! Everyone’s gonna be so jealous. Dude, it was a hell of a night. I hope your Sixo de Mayo is as good as your Cinco.